Ok, I know that anyone with an iota of sense or
compassion knows that Donald Trump is a ruthless, scheming bastard and the most
divisive, cruel and stupid President our country has ever had the misfortune to
have. As one listens again to his endless lies, to his violent abuse of anyone
who dares to question him, or perhaps if one is truly masochistic, reads yet
another one of his inane, aggressive tweets, many people must begin to wonder
if this man, who so many voted to be their leader (Ok, I know not the majority,
but lets draw a veil for the moment over how undemocratic a country that likes
to boast of its democracy really is), who is nothing but a stupid bully-boy
pawn in the claws of the Russian bully-boy King, those people who care about
the terrible state of their country being made so much worse by the rule of a
despotic, greedy psychopath, must be beginning to think, no matter how generous
and optimistic their usual view of human nature, that Mr Donald Trump possesses
not the smallest grain of good within his ridiculous body.
Much as I share the despair of those, who have
reached such a conclusion, I am here to reluctantly inform them they are wrong.
It is admittedly very hard to find but if you travel from the lying, vindictive
mouth, down the disgusting throat, through the foul-smelling oesophagus, you
will eventually reach the President’s gut. It is here and here alone that you
can find some traces of goodness within the monster that is called Donald
Trump. Indeed, I am one of those traces for I am amongst the dwindling band of
good bacteria, that help the President’s bowels to function. Much as we may
wish to down tools, go on strike, take a long and much needed vacation, so that
our host becomes more and more blocked, until in a moment of rare and uncharacteristic
anger, he finally explodes all over The White House Lawn, we are sadly not like
humans and we are never allowed a break. We have to keep performing our vital
function till we hopefully ascend or descend to Bacteria Heaven. I sometimes
curse the fates that gave me such a host –how much more pleasant to have
inhabited the gut of Michelle or Barack Obama, but bacteria like people often
have no choice but to play the hand that they’ve been given.
So as the United States gears itself up again for
the bizarre pantomime of a Presidential election, made even more bizarre now by
the Coronavirus and the hostile invasion of Russian algorhythms, perhaps it’s
time that instead of listening to the rubbish that comes out of the president’s
mouth, the American people stopped to listen to the one good part of their
current leader, the good bacteria in Donald Trump’s gut. Alas, we cannot get
together to form The Good Bacteria Party, and gradually take over the mind of
our host until we persuade him that Coronavirus does need to be taken
seriously, that the climate emergency does need urgent action, and that both
his own and other American’s racism needs to be rooted out. Our power is
limited to the President’s gut, or to put it a bit more crudely we are the shit
assisters, that enables the beast to carry on functioning. Yet we do
occasionally exchange the odd word around the metaphorical bacteria water
cooler, and we are all agreed that we want to play our part in preventing our
bloated, power-mad host from staying in office any longer than he has to.
So, dear American voters, please listen to us. We
know this President far better than you – try living in someone’s gut and you
get a very good impression of their character. Alas we are the only redeeming
features in the man you mistakenly gave the top job to four years ago. You need
to get him out of the White House, put him on trial for all the money he’s
screwed out of the country, and let him waste away in some Southern prison,
tended kindly and forgivingly by black guards. Of course, even if the vast
majority of you vote in the right way, it will not necessarily be easy to
remove him. He will revert to the screaming, angry toddler, that refuses to
give up a toy he’s stolen from his younger weaker brother. Yet, with any luck
the US army will remember there is such a thing as The American Constitution,
and forcefully evict the unwanted tenant from a property he wasn’t fit to clean
the windows of.
Well, that’s it really. We have no choice but to
continue doing our job, but in November you will have a choice. For in decent
democracies, it is not only governments that should admit their mistakes, but
also sometimes people need to do the same. Some of you made a terrible mistake
four years ago, for which your country and the rest of the world has paid a
high price. Now is the time to rectify that mistake, to push that
Human-Trump-Monster back into the slimy, evil-smelling pond he crawled out of.
You have heard the expression that you should listen to your gut. Now is the
time to listen to your president’s gut.
